4th trimester tears and smiles

'The days are long, but the years are short.'

I remembered my friend told me this and telling me that I would look back to this journey and miss the times when my baby was small. 

As I penned down this post at his 11-weeks mark, this is the first time I felt how fast time has passed. The past 11 weeks since his birth, if I can be completely honest, it's tough.

I decided to pen down how I feel the past three months because while it's hard, it is also a brave testimony of myself navigating the parenthood journey. They honestly don't call it '4th trimester' without a reason. I am still not quite there yet, but I know now that it's okay to feel not okay and parenthood is a constant learning journey. In the future I want to look back to this post, pat myself on the shoulder and tell myself:

You have done well. It's okay you cry a lot, but ultimately you have done the best you can. No one is born a mum, it takes time and effort. And you will also come to enjoy and love this little one just as much one day. 

0-6 weeks mark

This was when the little one was fresh out from the oven. On the second night when we were staying in the hospital and the baby was in our room, I probably had a glimpse of how different my life could be. I know that I am going to be breastfeeding and baby will need frequent feeding (every 2-3 hours) but I didn't expect cluster feeding happen so fast so quick. That night, the baby was up every 2 hours and I just kept feeding despite being extremely exhausted from the labour a day before. But the euphoria of the labour was still there and I felt like I could do this. Ohhh how wrong I was.. 

His coming home outfit haha

He was home the third day. This was when his nickname bao came about (apart from peanut) because didn't his chubby cheek reminds you of the cartoon character bao? HAHA. 

The first few days when I breastfeed was not as difficult as I imagined it to be. He latched well and I could feel my milk draining. Even the midwives said the bub and I did a good job! I thought things were going well as he did feed and sleep. But soon after nurse's home visit and weighted him, she told us that he wasn't gaining weight 😢 So immediately we were told to supplement him with formula. 

This was when we were in the hospital for emergency

The 5th day when he was home, he cried so uncontrollably at night that husband and I thought he was very unwell. We called the 24hours nurse helpline and was told to visit emergency. After diagnosed by a baby doctor, she told us that he seems to be still hungry because despite topping up with formula, he was still not gaining weight 😨 According to the doctor, we still haven't found the right balance of breastmilk and formula to supplement him.

The news really hit me and made such an adverse impact on my confidence in breastfeeding. 'Why is he still not gaining weight?' I asked myself. 

Hence, he was introduced to bottle feeding almost immediately once he is back from the hospital

We resorted to feeding him the maximum amount of formula and we slowly noticed his weight gain with our nurse visit. I started to express my breastmilk, and supplement it together with formula. This has also helped in my breastfeeding confidence as I can clearly gauge how much I am feeding him by pumping and therefore knowing whether he has enough. The feeding part is finally being accounted for!

However, for his sleep, I soon learn that sleeping is an acquired skill and babies don't fall asleep when they are supposed to. For the first 2 weeks, he could sleep well in his cot. But after the first 2 weeks, he started to cry when put down on his back in cot, and we soon discovered that he only sleeps slightly better when tummy sleeping. We resorted to tummy sleeping for him to sleep longer (not recommended as it is an unsafe sleeping position), which in the end, both husband and I had to take turns to stay up in the night to watch him to prevent any SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome). Sleep deprived is an understatement as on some nights, I wasn't even sleeping at all when he was up crying. We only caught some sleep on the days since my in laws were there to help us taking care of him. 

On the day, he only sleeps well in baby carrier, which is when he was carried upright. So, we have to bring him out some days, just so that he can catch some sleep. At home in his cot, he just refused to stay asleep 😭

Bringing him out in the baby carrier just so that he can sleep.

Dealing with crying baby was also a lot harder than I can cope. It didn't help when there's sleep deprivation and pregnancy hormones in play. At night I just want to sleep but I have a baby who would cry and refused to be settled. Imagine it was 3 or 4am in the morning and all you want is just to lie on bed and sleep. But baby started crying, and despite your best effort to sooth him, he just won't stop crying. I was so exhausted and would just look at him and ask: what do you want? 

And that question often comes with resentment, guilt and also lackof confidence. I can't tell why he is crying and yes baby can't tell me too. And you bet, I cry a lot. That was the times when I started to feel:

This is extremely hard work that I wasn't equipped for. All along my expectation was that I could and will be able to do well and my baby would behave just as what I expected. 

At that moment, I forgot that a baby, well, is a baby. I placed so much expectation on my capability to be a 'successful' mum and also on him to behave like a 'perfect' baby. But in reality, none of these things will ever happen. At that lowest point, I remembered I went to another room by myself, bawling myself out, thinking how lacking I am to be a mum and why I was dealt with such an unsettled child. I felt my life was miserable, with no way out. It was a downward spiral, and I clearly knew it. 

And this video is my saving grace. 

My husband edited it and sent it to me, and somehow this video alone really picks me up from the bottom pit as I recalled this: 

This little one is an answered prayer from God to me. All along I have been praying for him. Yes he isn't behaving like what I expected and motherhood is a lot tougher than I imagined, but isn't it comforting to know in the midst of it, God listens to my prayer and He is faithful? 

And with that, I came to my senses. There are times when I was still lost, but I came back to this video to remind me of this moment - God loves this child too. 

7 weeks onwards

And in fact, after 7 weeks, he is slowly, and surely getting better in his sleep. We reverted his tummy sleeping habit and tried to put him back to cot to sleep. While it comes with struggles initially, he is learning and slowly getting used to sleeping in the cot again. Which means, we also got some sleep at night since we don't need to watch over him. We celebrated the small win that he can now take longer naps and sleeps at night. And starting week 8, he started to smile, oh his smiles...

He is such a smiley baby, starting to interact more and engage more. Perhaps, one day, I will get there and look back to this post, feeling much empowered to be a mum, enjoying all the little moments and all it has to offer. 

Thank you for all the prayers. I can finally say, well it's not too bad afterall. 

And as usual my address to the little one - 

Dear little one,

It's really not easy to be a mother. What a challenge! Mummy makes mistake, but you know I am trying my best to be the mum you can rely on one day. I know your cries isn't blaming me for things I do wrong, as this is the only way of communication you have. Forgive me for the times I am frustrated okay? Mummy is slowly learning too, learning about your needs and your cries.  Let's learn together, shall we?

Please continue to be the smiling baby like you always be. May you be a blessing to the others just like how you are a blessing to us. May God shows you His faithfulness and goodness all the day of your life. We love you our little peanut bao ❤

And this is my forever rock, who comforts me when I am down and will always be there no matter how tough life is going to be. I am so so thankful that I am navigating this parenthood journey with him.  Let's continue this journey and learn together, okay? Hehe