My grandpa ❤️

I honestly did think of blogging again but I never imagine my first post in 2023 to be under this circumstance. Grief is a heavy word, and I am not prepared for it. My heart are in so many places today and in one day alone, I have experienced a range of emotion from shock, numbness, guilt, disbelief, waves of sadness, and disbelief again. 

So yes, disclaimer, this is going to a very heavy and sad post because it's about a person that I so adore, and one that I know I am going to lose soon. And my baby, how I wish you could have more time to know him. But it's okay, because mummy is going to tell you more about him when you grow up. 

It's a story of my beloved grandpa ❤️ He is a hard-worker who doesn't rest, and provided for his family for decades. He is fiercely loyal, and incredibly knowledgeable despite not receiving a lot of education. He likes to bicker with me over range of topics like money, jobs, and God. But at the end of our conversation, he will always hold my hand so affectionately and we both would lovingly reconcile. And though marrying overseas was one decision that he doesn't seem to come to term with, but when I told him I am happy and contented, his face beams and he nods his head, happy that I am happy. 

We have our fair shares of disagreement but growing up, going to farm to visit him and grandma was one of the fondest memories I have. Farm work is tiring, but it's always fun to just spend time with him, talking about my life, my work, and eventually having him attending my graduation ceremony and wedding. 

And then it hits me, how would I feel if I won't be able to see him anymore when I come home? In the later stage of his life, even though he has lost some of his memory, he will still fondly call me 'ah hiang' when I come home. That's the name he used in his dialects for me so will there be no one else who would call me the same? 

And why is it hurt so much? My heart aches and my head burns. Then there comes the guilt: have I spend enough time with him? Have I told him enough about God, the one that loves him very much?

Now that he is on his hospital bed waiting for his time to go, I pray so earnestly that he would wait for me, and that he would go home to where God has called him. I pray that he will choose God at the end of his road, and come back to Him. I pray that he can go with peace, knowing that he has led a good and fullfilled life, and that we all love him very much. 

But for now, as I am typing this in the car going to hospital to visit him for the one last time, wait for me ahgong, I am not ready. 

阿公，等等我啊。我回家了