Year End Reflection Part 2

After publishing my Part 1 of my 2023 reflection, I know I needed some time to draft my part 2. I am glad I have allowed myself some time and space to process my feeling and thoughts because this post really is not easy, but one I have longed to keep it in this space, to always remember. 

My part 2, as such, is the lows of the lows of 2023 as it's marked with grief and loss - one that has affected me much deeply than I imagined and one that will always stay no matter how long time has passed. 

My grandpa has always been there for me, and we have such close relationship. We always seem to argue, but always lovingly reconcile. I know he loves me, and I know I dearly love him. So, receiving a midnight 3am call knowing he can't make it was undoubtedly one of the most terrifying phone call that has shattered my world overnight. 

I flew back immediately and I thank God I made it back as there were so many 'what ifs' that could have prevented the trip and I might not be able to see his last moment in the hospital. The funeral procession was really in a haze as I recalled with many rituals processions, but one thing I know, I am so very glad that I make it home to be there with the family at this challenging time. 

Upon my return, after close to two months now, there will be this thought that so suddenly strikes me - my next trip back home will no longer be the same as he will not be there. And my heart ached so painfully that my tears started to flow. Sometimes this happened when I am commuting on the train, when I looked out the window, or even when I am doing nothing, and my heart will start to miss him, so so much. 

I think this is how grief looks like for me. No one has prepared me on how to cope with the loss and sometimes we are caught off guard. I know I am still in the process of grieving and I don't even know what the end looks like, but I know I will always miss him. 

That makes me realise one thing - that we are all longing for eternity, for holding on to our loved ones as long as we can, but death is inevitable, and it will come for all of us. And sometimes we can't even tell the times - there's no set rule because we never know which comes first - accident or tomorrow. 

But one thing I am assured - that I am promised eternity, not because of what I have done, but what He has done and there is a constant in my life - God. And even though I am still grieving, I trust. I trust God that He knows, he knows my struggles, my pain and ultimately, He promises. And for that, I hope. 

I remember telling myself after today Sunday service that my 2024 is going to be a different one because I will learn to lean on Him more and more, that despite my circumstances, I will learn to rejoice in Him. 😊

So, I hope this post is not ending on a painful note, but one that's hopeful as I reflected on my 2023. And it's ultimately my hope for you and me, that we will finish the race well, that we will continue holding on to Him and Him alone. 

Happy New Year everyone 🎊

‭Ecclesiastes‬ ‭3:11‬ ‭ESV‬

[11] He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man’s heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end.

~ loves, Susan