Disclaimer: Baby is currently 20 weeks now. This was the throwback post haha. Thank God so much for such a wonderful blessing and answering my prayers. Have fun reading the journey ahead that leads to 20th week now :)
Honestly, I am not sure what to expect. I know having seeing the little beanie at week 8 was probably a reassuring sign, but man how wrong I could be! Prior to this appointment, I was still a nervous wreck, and kept feeling that something might go wrong. But I know if I could see a healthy baby with this scan, I can rest a little bit. Passing the first trimester was a big milestone for me, at least my first pregnancy never pass this important phase (My little peanut 😭).
Not knowing what to expect, we were here at our 13th week scan. We changed to another ultrasound provider so it took a long time to get here but since it was a recommendation from friend, we know we will be in good hands.
After 15 minutes of waiting time, we were called in. I said a prayer in my heart and just praying to God that, please, please, this time, let me hear the heartbeat again.
Ultrasonographer used the pelvic ultrasound device, and directed the device at my belly, slightly lower than my belly button. The gel was cooling, I was nervous, and the room was quiet. And I remembered feeling my heart at my tongue, I just was so nervous I couldn't speak. And there she pointed out to me, the sac and the baby.
This was PERFECT. It was so clear that I can clearly see the baby head, the mouth, the body. And it was not a surprise that I cried. The ultrasonographer looked at me and said: You must have felt so much relief yea? I nodded my head. I just needed to confirm this - a healthy and thriving baby, and that moment was my prayer answered.
She showed us a few more images, directing the devices to show us the heart, the brain, the toes, the fingers, and oh this little tiny one has already grown so much! The science behind it, or even, I don't think any science could sufficiently explain this creation because how on earth this small cell or tissue inside my womb can grow so much in just few weeks span of time? To the extent that we can see the baby's brain and the baby's vigorous and active movement, leaping sometimes in my womb. "This baby is very active," she said.
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| The brain |
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| The joint. I think this is the toe? Haha |
For a very short while, she switches to a 4D imagery and shows us some real-time movement of the baby. I wasn't expecting such an advanced technology though so I was pleasantly surprised. And as we can view, the baby was so active, rubbing his or her hand on the forehead and seems to say that: I am tired, let me sleep HAHA.
And you know, the baby was only like 8cm, the size of a lemon. To see that so much life can come out from such a small body amazes me so much, and I can't help but think to myself: WOW, how much he or she could grow? And how amazing it could be if he grows up to be a healthy and lively toddler? And the life and the blessing that he could bring.
I am looking forward, certainly. I have to admit, my heart is slightly at ease, though not completely just yet. Losing this baby is a worrying thought that is always in the back of my mind and I doubt it will ever go away until I finally give birth. But then, my husband said this to me: even if the baby did grow and we give birth to a healthy one, in the journey of growing up, there is always a risk of losing the child through sickness, disease, or even mundane day-to-day life like going to school? Just like the children's lives who were lost in that tragic Christmas parade, or traffic accidents, or many many more. Painful much, but living in a broken and sinful world, there is just no stop for worrying.
And man, he is so bad at comforting people. But I somehow reflect on it and realize it is indeed true. We could at any point lose a child, not just in child birth, but even when he is growing up because the environment that he is growing up with, is one that we ultimately have no control with. And these are the things I have to let go. My worries are sufficient for today, and I have to live by it. Things I can plan and control, I do my best. But things I don't, I leave it to God. And I pray so ever earnestly that He will grant me His will and hopefully this blessing of child. But if He doesn't, just like my first pregnancy, I need to learn to trust that His plan is greater than mine.
For now, let me give thanks. Give thanks for this amazing little peanut that I have the privilege to see and witness. Thank you God so so much and all amazing people who have been praying for me. And I ended this post with this note to my little one:
Dear Baby,
Oh we have nicknamed you peanutwo! The first peanut is for your gorgor or jiejie who never get to see this world. But you know, you are so equally loved. And man, you are no longer a peanut, but a lemon now. And do you know mummy cried when I see you being so active and healthy and thriving today?
Thank you for doing what you can, what you can do best to survive and to thrive inside the womb. You know, it is really amazing to witness how much you have grown and mummy can only give thanks to God that He has answered my prayer that you are indeed healthy and thriving. Pregnancy is always very challenging for me, not knowing what is happening inside. But I am hoping that I can do my best to nurture you, to remain a happy and cheerful heart so that you will feel more assured too.
I will try my best, so you too okay? I can't wait to see you next! Take care little one. We love you 💓
Loves,
Mummy and Daddy
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