Week 5: Yes I am pregnant but...

Disclaimer: Baby is currently 20 weeks now. This was the throwback post haha. Thank God so much for such a wonderful blessing and answering my prayers. Have fun reading the journey ahead that leads to 20th week now :)

I wasn't surprised. We plan for the baby, and of course we want the baby to come. 

After the miscarriage happened almost 5 months ago, it had been a roller coaster ride of emotion. As I opened up and grieved, I shared the blog posts to friends that recorded my raw emotions and journey throughout that miscarriage (ahh it felt so long ago). That sadness, still vividly raw sometimes but with lots of love, care and prayers, I felt I am ready. I am back to work 4 months ago (I took a one-month long break) and two months ago, I told hubby maybe we can start trying. 

Which is why, this wasn't a surprise, but one that was a bit unexpected. Because the planner in me did not plan to the utmost details this time. We let it happened. If the baby comes, then the baby comes. If not, we will just keep on trying. 

And it did happen. My period was about 5 days late but I did notice blood before my period, so I thought well, it is another missed month then. Little did I know that the bleeding stopped just after a day and looking back, it might have been implantation bleeding. I have been trying to hold back to wait to do a pregnancy test and in the end, I gave up. The uncertainty did weigh on me, and I told hubby one day after my cycling trip, let's do it. 

He was 90% convinced that I am already pregnant, but I am not. I don't know how to describe that feeling, but now that I think back, I know that feeling clear well..

I am conflicted. 

How so you asked? Then I examined myself and realize, hey I really want the baby to come, but at the same time, I also want the baby to not come, because I am scared. I am so worried for the baby, because I am afraid I have to say goodbye again. And I am afraid what if, I will lose it again? 

Yes, rather than the overjoyed emotion that crashing on me in my first pregnancy, when I see the plus sign that is getting clear to confirm that I am pregnant, I cried. And I don't think there are words for me to describe how I feel, and I want to share this honest feeling. I don't feel it the first time when I was pregnant, but this time round, even though I was happy that the baby came, but at the same time, I was super scared, not for myself, but for the baby. 

So yes, you can see now, I am conflicted. If you tell me the baby will be a healthy baby, can I truly believe it? I am trying to believe it,  and yes I am still trying. I remembered after the test while I was in my tears, my hubby looked at me and said: trust God, not yourself. It is going to be okay.  

And that comforted me whole lot. Ultimately, it is not by my own strength because pregnancy is one journey that I have learned that I have absolutely no control. It scared me so so much, and worried me so much to no end. But just like how God had carried me through my first miscarriage, this pregnancy is also in His hands and I can trust Him. 

I am scared, but I know I will be okay. Second pregnancy, here I come. 

And I am going to address the ending thought to my little one as usual. 

Dear Baby,

Hello little one! Now you are just an orange seed apparently but you know, daddy is feeding me a lot of food now, so I am sure you are very very well nourished. (How was the ramen today? HAHA)

You know, I did cry when hearing the pregnancy news, but no, it wasn't that you are not welcomed, not at all but it is due to mummy's own insecurity. Mummy is not strong too and there is a lot more to learn again in this pregnancy, and I am praying that I can learn to commit you in my prayer every day. Mummy will be praying for you, okay?  

One day when you grow up, mummy will share with you all my struggles and challenges too. They are not meant to beat us down I believe, but one that we can learn and grow from it. 

Please be healthy little one. We will arrange an ultrasound for you next month when we can see you clearly. Till then, eat more and if you have any craving, just let me know kay! I don't know how you can let me know when you are still so small, but you figure la HAHA. (Don't worry, daddy now will buy ANY food that we want to eat Muahaha)

I love you. I don't say it out often, maybe because I am so worried for you, but I am learning to celebrate you, for you being you. I know I will always love you, little one. Thanks for coming into my life for me to once again experience being a mum. 

Loves, Mummy