Week 6 - 7: Pregnancy Symptoms

Disclaimer: Baby is currently 20 weeks now. This was the throwback post haha. Thank God so much for such a wonderful blessing and answering my prayers. Have fun reading the journey ahead that leads to 20th week now :)

I was a wreck starting week 6 because pregnancy symptoms hit me in full force. I had the whole package - nauseous, vomiting, fatigue. I hardly eat and when I eat, I felt nauseous. It's just so tough because I LOVE food and not being to enjoy them fully is really challenging for me. 

I resorted to Onigiri by the way, because it seemed like it was the only thing I actually can eat. So, hubby resorted to making onigiri for me at home. Well, it wasn't too bad actually. (And guys, Daiso sold all these cute onigiri moulds that we can use to make onigiris!) Throughout the weeks, I think I vomit twice and felt nauseous all the time. Food had lost all its appeal for me. 

Homemade Onigiri

Homemade sushi HAHA

I know I should be grateful that these symptoms were happening. Well, at least it gave me some sort of reassurance that this pregnancy was heading the right direction since I was experiencing all these for the first time. I don't have any symptoms in my first pregnancy to be honest. I know every pregnancy is different but it at least gives me that feeling that hey, perhaps baby is alive and kicking. But not being able to eat well is certainly a challenge in itself. 

The Talk ~ 

One night, my hubby sit me down and gave me a talk. I hadn't been eating well for days (I even skipped dinner on some days) because I just don't feel like to. He told me as much as it was hard to eat anything, I need to try eating because I was growing a baby inside my womb. He told me in the most gentle tone, and I know that he cares for me and the baby so much that this had indeed worried him. 

And emotions hit me like a roller coaster that I cried and bawled my eyes out. I suddenly realize: am I not doing the best for this baby? He meant well, and I reflected and I realize throughout my whole pregnancy this time, there was a very real fear that the baby could not survive, and as much as I would love to welcome this baby, I wasn't trying my very best for the baby, afraid of another disappointment. I don't know whether I made sense but I felt like it is as if I know that I will fail, so I don't want to do my best because I am afraid of another heartache?

I am walking on an egg shell, literally. And throughout this pregnancy, as much as I tell myself I should do my best, I am still preparing myself to fail, and not to succeed. It is a sad thought really, and for once, I wish I can go back to the time where I did not know that miscarriage can happen, and I can always welcome the pregnancy with joy without much fear. People who know about this pregnancy will say congrats whenever they heard this news, but to be honest, I can't feel the joy, just yet. 

But the joy will come, I know. I know first trimester's nauseousness and morning sickness will pass, and I also know that I will look back to this journey and still giving thanks. But for now, let me vent.

After the talk, however, I am coping better. I realize I need to try my best not to prepare myself to fail, but to succeed. And for the things that I can't control inside my body, I leave it to God. But for things I can control, such as eating and sleeping well, I should do my best. And I will. 

Random. Leaving some food I tried to eat HAHA. Yes porridge. 

Leaving another address to my baby here: 

Dear Baby,

Mummy is feeling so much emotions for the first time! Okay, probably not the first time. Perhaps when you are old enough, mummy will also share with you my own struggles in life too. I hope you can also realize that no matter how old we are, there are things that we fear, and there are things that we can't control in life. 

For the things that we can't control, I hope mummy will be able to demonstrate that trust with God as we walk together with you. You know, it is challenging and I sometimes fail as well, but that is why we all need God, because we are all imperfect human beings. And I am very thankful even at times like this, I can pour out to God my struggles and my anxiety.

The nauseous is really bad, but I am hoping I will be eating much better from now on. So do obtain nutrition from everything you can there! I know it is something mummy can't control so I will just try my best, and do try your best too to be healthy and growing as mummy and daddy will be waiting.

We can't wait to meet you! 

With so much loves,

Mummy