Day 10 - Things you wish you know in pregnancy

Author's Note: So, this is a throwback post a week after my pregnancy test and I started to notice brown discharge (which is old blood coming out). It was really scary for me because I did not know it was actually very normal and common to have brown discharge during pregnancy. So, I really freaked out because I thought it was an early sign of miscarriage. Although in the end, I did lost this baby and had a miscarriage.😭

Since I have been recording my pregnancy journey for the past 35 days in draft mode, I still decide to publish all posts to look back and reflect on this journey. So, welcome to this space. One that recorded my ups and downs throughout the past 35 days, from I first found out I was pregnant to the day that I found out that I have lost the baby. It is one that is full of pain, but ultimately one that gives me hope and faith. I hope by reading these few posts, you will be able to share in my journey and understand even more deeply what I have been going through. It finally is a closure but I hope you will also be encouraged and inspired to find God in the midst of this painful, yet blessed journey of mine. So, from the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU. Thank you for reading these posts, praying, sharing and journeying with me.

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Day 10 - Things you wish you know in pregnancy

Because I really wish I know. I think subconsciously I have imagined a perfect and smooth pregnancy for myself, influenced by all the happy mummy pictures you see in social media. Why not right? Why would I be the exception? But the truth is, this fear, this one fear has started to creep in during my pregnancy journey. And this fear has made me realize that this whole pregnancy journey is not as easy as I initially thought. 

Yes, it is this fear - the fear of losing the baby. 

 

 And I am telling you, if you are feeling this, you are not alone. 

My fear started to overwhelm me when I notice brown spotting last Friday. Yes, I have that abnormal vaginal brown discharge again. If you read my blog, you probably know that this is very common for me. I would not even raise an eyebrow if I saw it last time, but NOT THIS TIME. I freaked out massively because I am so scared that this is an onset symptom of miscarriage.

I wish someone told me that they also had these spotting during their pregnancy too because I did not know it happens. I googled and saw in pregnancy forum that it is very common for these old blood to be discharged during your pregnancy. Unless you saw fresh blood and experienced some serious pain, then this will pose a miscarriage concern. However, this does not in any way comforted me because this fear starts to overtake me and causes me to question myself every time I see these brown discharge - am I losing this baby?

I am worried, so very worried. And I find myself spiral downwards in this fear, with last weekend I constantly looked at forum post and hope for the best, and at the same time, broke down crying when I see any blood discharge. It is this massive helplessness in this scenario that eats me inside out, because I can do nothing apart from waiting. Even if I were to get a GP appointment, they don't get to see me until Monday and my earliest ultrasound can only be scheduled until coming Saturday, which means I have another 6 days to wait. 

Probably the longest 6 days wait ever 😭

And today, I want to address this final thoughts to myself instead. While I am here, still worrying and trying to solve this problem with my own strength, I have to keep reminding myself that I am not in control and I have to let go. 

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Dear Susan,

You are worried, aren't you? You are worried that you can't keep the baby but do you remember your God? He loves you, and He loves your baby too. And while you are here worrying and anxious about the upcoming ultrasound scan, why not focus your energy in trusting and relying on Him?

You know you can't solve this. The control freak in you just want to shout that you want to know the answer right away, but He wants to teach you that you need to be patient and wait and learn. There are things that you need to let go, and to trust Him instead.

May you look back at this post to remind yourself that God is always faithful. He sends Jesus to die for you and He promises He will always be with you, to the end of the age. Take heart, for you will be fine. 💓