Day 35 - The day that baby is gone

Author's Note: So, this is not a throwback post because we literally just found out about my miscarriage 5 days ago. This post captured the miscarriage news, the raw and real-est feeling I felt and I recorded it and I decided to publish it to look back and reflect on this journey.

So, welcome to this space. One that recorded my ups and downs throughout the past 35 days, from I first found out I was pregnant to the day that I found out that I have lost the baby. It is one that is full of pain, but ultimately one that gives me hope and faith. I hope by reading these few posts, you will be able to share in my journey and understand even more deeply what I have been going through. It finally is a closure but I hope you will also be encouraged and inspired to find God in the midst of this painful, yet blessed journey of mine. So, from the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU. Thank you for reading these posts, praying, sharing and journeying with me.

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Day 35 - The Day that the baby is gone

We managed to schedule the follow up scan after 16 days. GP has said to do a follow up scan after 7-10 days but I dragged it out even further because I am hoping to give the baby more time to grow and hopefully more conclusive result on scan. We know it's usually hard to see anything in the early weeks (hence my previous scan showed the baby was too small) so by right when we did the ultrasound scan yesterday, it was supposed to be week 8. 

But it didn't show any progress. We visited our friend who worked as an ultrasonographer and she broke the news to us after going through the scan. When she started to break the news to me, I  remembered I was calm and I didn't even cry. Things seem to stand still at the moment as I processed her words. 

Susan, from what I see from the scan, the baby is still measuring week 5 and there's no heartbeat anymore. I am sorry but it looks like this pregnancy is not happening. You will be okay. You are still young it's okay. Give me a call if u need to chat. 

My husband squeezed my hand so tight and looked at me. I let it all sinked in and just sit there by myself. All the noises faded and I just sit there. 

Am I losing the baby? Yes. So baby is not growing anymore? Yes. 

Even as the time I am writing this after a day of processing the news, the pain felt so distant but so real at the same time. It's a feeling so hard to describe. I felt like I once had something so so precious in my tummy and I was so looking forward to the arrival, but now it's all gone. 

I am grieving, for that sense of loss. So the baby stopped growing and is no longer there? Yes. So I won't have a baby this end of the year? Yes. So the baby won't be here even though I really wanted it to be here?  Yes.

Pain because I wanted the baby here. Pain because I really wish he or she can be here. And it's not happening and it pains me. So much. 

And you bet, I cried. I cried a whole lot. I cried even now typing. I grieved for my loss and I know that this grieve is not going away anytime soon. 

But it's okay, at the end of it, it will always be okay. I was reminded again of this verse and all the lovely people who have called me, prayed for me, rushed to my side to give me a hug and pass me cake, and just be the listening ears as I cried. 

 

Indeed. Indeed he has and he will. I know deep down I am not alone, not just because of all the lovely people who were there by my side yesterday, but because I have a faithful God. He has done so many things for me, by even dying on the cross for me so I know that He loves me. 

He loves the baby more than me. So I trust. I trust His timing and His plan for me and the baby. And if this baby is not the one and God has taken the baby away for only reasons He knows, it's okay because I trust. I trust Him because He knows what's the best for me. I trust Him because looking back, I am reminded of not just the blessing He has showered upon me but also all the challenges and struggles He had sustained me through. 

He was, and is and will always be faithful. I trust Him because of what He said in the Bible that He will be with me, to the end of the ages. Painful much, but I will keep on trusting God. 

I hope this post serves as a reminder for myself but also for everyone reading out there. It's a journey and it is going to be difficult to chat about this so I write. I too wish that I can share this good news to you personally after a month's time (after my first trimester) but it's not happening. But one day, when the baby does indeed come, I am sure you will be celebrating in joy with me too.  

I will end my post with the usual address to my baby.

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Dear Baby,

We went and saw u yesterday in scan mode again. We did see you but your heartbeat wasn't there anymore and you had stopped growing. And mummy cried a lot when thinking about this. 

You know, as much as I am very sad and painful that you are no longer with us, I am also rejoicing that you are with our God in heaven now. Mummy knows that God loves both you and I, so even though it's painful, I will continue to trust Him in His perfect timing. 

It's okay that we don't get to meet in person this time. Thank you for being our baby for such a small amount of time, and for bringing so much joy to us. Even though we won't be meeting here on earth, do know that daddy and mummy love you a lot and was really looking forward to your arrival. We love you. Thank you for all the joy you have given us. 

Till we meet again little one. 

Loves, 

Mummy and Daddy