Day 20 - Baby in scan mode

Author's Note: So, this is a throwback post for about a month ago when we did the first scan. Initially, I wanted to publish all the posts after my first trimester announcement but thing does not turn out well. Since I have been recording my pregnancy journey for the past 35 days in draft mode, I still decide to publish all posts to look back and reflect on this journey.

So, welcome to this space. One that recorded my ups and downs throughout the past 35 days, from I first found out I was pregnant to the day that I found out that I have lost the baby. It is one that is full of pain, but ultimately one that gives me hope and faith. I hope by reading these few posts, you will be able to share in my journey and understand even more deeply what I have been going through. It finally is a closure but I hope you will also be encouraged and inspired to find God in the midst of this painful, yet blessed journey of mine. So, from the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU. Thank you for reading these posts, praying, sharing and journeying with me.

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Day 20 - Baby in scan mode

Baby in scanned mode! I want to record this because when the ultrasonographer showed me THIS is the baby, husband and I were overjoyed. I remembered feeling quite overwhelmed, seeing this little sweet pea inside, with an occasional heartbeats that you can see on screen. 

 

That day, we shared this picture with our family and everyone rejoiced with us. At least we observed the heartbeat and it's a proof that the baby is healthy right? At least that was what we thought..

I maintained this happy and cheerful mode after this scan. As I no longer observe brown discharge, I am quite chilled. Even before we went to the GP for a follow up after this scan, I didn't expect there will be anything wrong.

But... Yes there's always a but. The GP broke the news to us saying the baby is too small. It's good that there's heartbeat, but since I am supposed to be in my week 7 of pregnancy, the baby is too small since it's only 0.34cm which is only week 5. The GP seems to implicitly imply that this is quite a concern because it seems that the baby is not growing very well? A follow up scan is required after 7 - 10 days just so that we can establish that the baby is growing healthily. The report also mentions that the baby has a large yolk sac and to our dismay after Google, we found out that large yolk sac is linked to high risk of miscarriage and chromosomal disability. 

Oh man, I have to tell you how I feel at this point. I didn't cry though, but I maintained such a straight face that seems to imply that everything is alright and I am okay. But once I am home and just thinking through the scan result that the GP broke to us, I cried like a baby again. I am worried and the fear of baby not being healthy starts to overwhelm me. 

I can't help but ask God: why is my pregnancy seems to be so hard? 

I think this is the things that you don't hear people talking about because none of us will expect our pregnancy to be hard. We see a lot of happy pictures of mummy and baby and I think I fall into that impression thinking that this is me too in the future if I have a baby. But truth is, throughout pregnancy, there are just so little that you can control and so little that you can understand. No matter how much we search on internet to tell us what really cause this, what is happening, there is no definite answer. 

I am not good with sharing my emotions to be honest, because I prefer to be myself and process it. But letting it out makes me feel better, so I write and journal them. So this is the post - the post that I recorded how helpless I feel and also to let fellow future mummy knows that you are not alone if your pregnancy just doesn't seem to be smooth sailing and you are feeling worried all the times. 

It has been two days since the GP appointment already and well, I am better now. It's not like I am not worried at all but I recognise that there's nothing I can do, and I fall back to rely on the only one I trust. And yes I prayed to God. I cried and I prayed, and Morph helped me to pray too because I finally realize in this pregnancy journey, it's all about waiting and faith in Him. Because I really literally can do nothing, except hoping that things will turn well and baby will be healthy. 

The faith I wish to have doesn't necessarily mean that my pregnancy will be a smooth sailing one, because I know trusting in God doesn't equate an easy or good life. But it does assure me that everything that happen in this pregnancy is all in His control, is all in His will and ultimately, I will always be in good hand. 

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Dear Baby,

Are you fine in the womb? The GP said you are small. And you have a large yolk sac which is not normal. Mummy is worried for you, so very worried. But mummy also realizes I can't keep you inside, if you are not healthy because it is out of mummy's control and I do want the best for you.

 

I talked to Aunty Rebe, and she said it is quite normal for baby to be smaller since my cycle can be long and it varies. I felt better but I still wish that things are fine for you, little one. I prayed that you will be healthy for our follow up scan. 

 

But we really don't know. I am still worried for your growth, but have decided to entrust this to God while I am on my way to work today. I see the sun and I see His creation, and I was reminded of you too are His beloved creation. If God so loves you, He sure will have His best plan for you. So mummy tries to rest and relies on God instead.

May all is well, may you can continue to strive hard in mummy's womb and can't wait to see you again! 

Loves,

Mummy and Daddy