Post Miscarriage - Rest & Replenish

Three weeks later...

Yes, it has been almost three weeks since my miscarriage news and life moves on. And I really want to update everyone for how I am doing throughout the whole ordeal. Well, I will be lying if I say I am already not sad, or I am no longer crying. I still do, and I like how my friend put it:

Crying is important. Give yourself plenty of time and space to grieve, and there might always be little sadness in your heart. And that is okay. It just means that you love your first baby very much and will always wish that you were able to meet the baby.

Yes indeed. It did not cross my mind that my next healthy and happy baby won't come because I do trust God that He will provide and hopefully I will be able to welcome my rainbow baby in my next pregnancy. But even if time does heal, sometimes when I was looking up to the sky, walking to the office or just resting, I could still be suddenly reminded of this little peanut that was once growing inside me. And I will always wish that I am able to meet this little one, if and only if.

And it is okay. It's okay to not be okay sometimes (Oh I also finally finish this Korean drama! HAHA), and I think I have learn to accept this emotion, and to process and to grieve. And at the end of the day, I am still grateful for I am reminded of God's faithfulness, and despite my circumstances, I will continue to rejoice in Him. And I really want to share this verse with you, which really resonates with me today. 

Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever! Psalm 107:1

Let me walk you down the memory lane for the past three super challenging weeks. (If image too blur, can click the image). And how much, oh how much I am grateful for each and everyone of you💓

This was me saying goodbye to the peanut baby. My husband took this picture after the ultrasound as I just sit on the couch and processed this news. I intended to take the misoprostol to induce miscarriage the next day. The gynae had prescribed it to me on the day and I have opted to take pills to induce miscarriage. I could opt for a hospital procedure (D&C is what they called it) but I decided not to since I don't think I was mentally and emotionally ready to be by myself at the hospital.

 

On Saturday afternoon after taking my pill, I received this! Delivered personally from my life group friends who pooled together the money to send a care package - chocolate, warm socks, plant, candle and etc. I felt so much loved when I read the notes that she wrote and the meaning of each item that they sent to me. It really sustained me throughout that afternoon after I took the pills because it just made me felt so supported and loved when I read through her messages. Another friend also dropped by to support me throughout the whole ordeal and I just can't say my thanks enough 💫 Thank God I wasn't in too much pain (It just felt like a heavy period) and I finally passed some tissues in the evening.

On Sunday when I did not manage to go to church, my friend asked my husband to pass me this. There was some herbal black chicken soup, some roasted black bean and ginger which were good to replenish my body after the miscarriage, and all prepared by her mum. It was so so sweet and that thermal bottle really reminded me of homecooked food. My another friend also made some yam for me to make yam milk tea (because she knows I love yam hehe) to cheer me up.

I posted this on my Instagram too for my follow up gynae visit after I took my pills. It was sort of like a final closure for me - as I went to check with the gynae in St Vincent Private Hospital and she confirmed that everything had passed - the tissue, and sac and the baby. It looked clear in the ultrasound so I don't need another procedure. I was worried for any complications but I was just so glad that at least for my physical body, everything is over.

So the rest and replenish journey continues. I am surrounded by lots of love - a very cute hand-written card to remind myself that I am loved and another surprise delivery package from Malaysia! These ladies in Malaysia actually googled an Australian confinement centre and ordered the red jujebe drink package for me (also good to replenish my body). And such a coincidence too because my husband was thinking to buy the confinement soup for miscarriage from the exact SAME company. HAHA.

And yes, this was the herbal soup pack. Just a week ago, I started this 15 days miscarriage herbal soup pack. Well, the soup wasn't as bad as I thought because it tasted.. pretty good I would say? HAHA. And I am only half way there. (8 more days to go!) Good thing is, at least during this lockdown period, I don't need to think what I need to cook because these soup packages will be my lunch and dinner for the next few days LOL. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I was surrounded by A LOT of food throughout the weeks. Friends who learn about this unfortunate news texted me and called me, dropped by to check on me, brought me out for claypot and Costco (Toilet paper yes 😆), some cooked for me and we even made ondeh-ondeh together! Everyone was worried for me and just reached out to me to care, love and support me in their very own way. And needless to say, despite the circumstances that I am in, I felt so much loved and cared for during this season in life even though my family can't be here physically. I sometimes even wonder, oh how undeserving I am, to receive so much so much love 💓

 

And well, you know what, I am supposed to be in Tasmania TODAY because I planned a getaway with my husband and friend just last week after my miscarriage news so that I can have a break I need. But then lockdown happened! (For those of you who are not aware, Victoria state went to a 7-day snap lockdown last Thursday because of Covid cases again, and no one is allowed to fly out of Victoria because no other states want us in. We are like the black sheep in the whole Australia LOL)

Instead, I went out this afternoon for a run with friend since exercise is allowed as one of the reasons to go out from home and I was greeted with this amazing view.

I stopped for a moment and thought to myself: WOW, THIS was just so so pretty. It literally took my breath away. I never thought I will still see the autumn leaves since we are almost in June when winter felt like it has started, but I really don't mind to be surprised. And suddenly I realized, hey Susan, it is okay that you are not in Tasmania now, because well, God has found a way to remind you that this creation, and everything underneaths it, is so so beautiful and you are also His beloved child. 

And how grateful I am, not just because of all the love that I was showered throughout the past three weeks, but for this reminder. For everything that happens, the crying in the middle of the night, and the waking up moment when the sadness and grief are still lingering, I looked back and I give thanks. And which is why this verse on my phone just came so right on time.

For you who are reading this, THANK YOU for sharing my pain and my journey, for caring for me, and for praying for me in this challenging season. Words just cannot describe how much strength I have received, knowing that I am not alone to go through this season. I am really glad that I shared this journey with you, even though it is painful but me opening up, and your prayer have helped me grieve better. My friend once said: Grieve, and grieve well. And I am glad that I did, and will continue to do so. I also pray and hope that in a way, my journey will also encourage you in ways that only God will know, to continue persevere in faith, and to find Him in the midst of your pain too. For I know He will always be good and His loves endures forever 💓 

Here is a little project that I started and look forward to. Perhaps, the day when the plant starts to grow, and I will be reminded again of the new life and new hope that I always have. 😊

Thank you so so much💖💗

~ Susan